Midnight obsession

 staring into nothing but the dark of the night

 my heart felt darker than the space between my bed, where I lay, and  where I imagined the ceiling was set 

my heart beat raced , faster than my damaged mind could tell I was having one more of those panic attacks , for the fourth or fifth or who knows what time , I'd lost track of it 

12 am ,  it always struck at midnight , more like an alarm to remind me how unworthy and messed up I really was , perfect , just what I needed , pain and more pain 

for minutes or maybe hours I froze , staring , lost , my thoughts louder than the only sounds in that dark lonely room ; my heavy breathing and crazy heart beat , I wished it could stop then I'd be numb forever 

my screams stuck deep in my throat , my mouth wide open wanting to call out maybe someone would save me from all this misery 

my hands lay limp on my side I couldn't reach for the light switch , my legs even heavier there was no running , the only thing that run was bitter tears on each side of my face getting stuck somewhere around the ears 

it was the same helpless feeling , held down unable to fight , rough flashes of scenes best forgotten , only that this time it was my mind that pinned me down leaving me more broken each day 

and just like it started , no warning, just abruptly , it was gone 

and the same question popped in my mind, was it just a dream or more of reliving an event from my childhood ?

 _Shiey