Scars

 The tear drops on my diary now dry

 more of faded leaving some kind of smudge 

the dark lines a little spread on those specific spots 

I like to think of it as scars 

scars on my book

 formed from tears wilded while I was trying to heal the scars on my body and soul

unlike the physical scars and the 'book scars' the ones in my heart remained fresh 

torn each day 

I lived on it 

taking pills of bitterness and pain  each morning , midday , afternoon , evening and late in the night before I could drown in some disturbed sleep full of nightmares 

I still don't get how situations switch 

it's probably what people call the 'ups and downs' in life 

unknown , unread , unexpected occurrences 

a path left to fate or something close to that

if I get it right

two years ago 

I'd be seated at the balcony to my two bedroom apartment , initially belonged to my mom and passed over to me 

I loved it , it offered a view no one seemed to enjoy but me 

my best friend would think it's weird that I'd seat there all evening 

an ashtray to my left and a bowl of popcorn on my right 

watching couples holding hands, taking evening strolls, loud laughter ,kisses and snaps at sunset 

how I wished I could have that 

three months later 

I was the one kissing under the rain 

I found it romantic and didn't mind the two weeks of a rough cold that followed 

probably because Marcus would be with me the whole time 

making me coffee 

wrapping an extra blanket around my shoulders 

setting a fire to keep the house warm then reading me a book , books have always been my weakness 

my love was showered with rain followed by a cold 

others got sunsets probably followed by a happily ever after and tons of kids 

 funny how life has a weird way of showing one stuff , we are just a little ignorant

thirteen months later 

my world was a little haven 

a bed of roses 

the grass was greener than ever 

a bundle of joy is exactly what I was 

the ring on my finger a constant reminder that I had found comfort in someone , Marcus 

he had proposed a week earlier 

candles and stars as witnesses to our engagement 

he was my source of strength 

my inspiration 

the person I always looked up to 

I loved how he cared for me 

his sweet words and kind eyes 

I loved how he always knew what to do ,when and what to avoid 

 he never made any error 

my mr right for sure 

eight months into marriage 

the thorns on the roses pricked 

he who was my source of security was now my biggest threat 

the person I so much loved turned to this person I no longer recognized 

the kind eyes were now filled with rage 

the lips that once kissed me so passionately now reeked of liquor and spit words I have no guts to utter 

the hands that held me so closely before now filled my face with bruises 

the tenderness was gone , replaced by a rage so deep I was scared shitless 

I know what you think

 I should have left , I know I should have chosen my peace 

but this is my peace , he is my peace 

despite the pain and abuse my love for him stands unshaken especially now that I have a part of him growing in me 

maybe when my baby , our baby , comes he will see me differently 

he will see the girl he once loved and not this 'ugly creature' as he puts it 

maybe my charming Marcus will be back 

maybe this is all but a test 

maybe this is just how marriage is and I'm supposed to stand by him 

I made a vow to be with him through good and bad times 

maybe this is what it meant by bad times and they'll be gone 

I still believe love is when your feelings towards them are greater than all odds

this way maybe you will see ME and we will be as we were 

Maybe I'll just wait a little longer 

one more night 

one more week 

one more fortnight 

one more month

maybe I'll get my Marcus back when Marcus Junior comes 

my heart skipped a beat 

Marcus was home 

I dried my tears 

put on a smile to meet him 

he never came , it was my usual panic attacks 

my mind playing tricks on me 

and like every evening my heart broke a piece deeper

my evening pill of pain 

slowly losing myself

The tear drops on my diary were now dry 

more of faded 

leaving some kind of smudge 

Scars 

_Shiey