Can't let you go

 3 pm should have been ice cream hour  in a normal month 

but June ain't no normal month , never has been, never will be 

the cold as icy as it had been at this time of the year four years ago 

In my mug of hot cocoa, I could have sworn I saw you dancing and laughing, rising with the steam and getting lost in space 

Or was it just an imagination 

A replay of who you were 

A light in my shadow self 

Together we were an eclipse , strikingly beautiful 

you the sun and I the moon 

two totally different souls yet a perfect match 

A rainbow , someone once used that word to describe us ,, rain and sunshine 

our differences so pronounced , no one missed it 

you so loud, in a different setting I would have hated you 

I still admire how you could walk in a room full of people , start making conversations with strangers and fit in 

You would be happy to know I picked a thing or two , well, secluded corners are still my spot but I've managed to make a few friends 

I crave to tell you how my day was and how I wish you were part of it 

I'd want you to know I went for a camp this weekend instead of listening to songs that remind me you are no more and cry myself to sleep 

I felt the camp fire instead of your cold lifeless body as you lay limp in my arms 

I hate that my vision of you is a bit blurry , I can't quite place your face but I still feel you as if you're right next to me 

I still hear your loud laughter and deep voice every time the wind blows 

I see shapes of you and me in the clouds 

I want to hug you but every time I wrap my arms around you all that's there is air 

I still put on your favorite cologne , that way I can have a piece of you with me 

today marks four years five days since your demise and the pain is almost tangible 

you always believed in fate and destinies 

was this what I was meant to live through ?

for a while , my life had been complete  , I had laughed and lived until you left and took the spark with you 

for the first time you were wrong , life is about  coincidences and luck 

no one knows what tomorrow holds and it's not dictated by destiny but by chance , by where you happen to be at the right or as in your case, wrong time 

Chance killed you and my soul went with you 

I want to live to be like you would have loved me to be , happy and in love with everything around me ,, but that would mean letting you go 

Maybe someday I will learn to live with the fact that you are gone forever but in this month that reminds me so much of you, of how you lived and how you died 

I can't let you go