Unmasked

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One more piece that I'll probably leave incomplete and unpublished but believe it's what I need to write to break this block . 

If you were still around , you would probably say ," you're being irrational love , it's all in the mind."  or maybe you would make up a 'psychology fact' that supports my presumption and push me to work on it . I can't really tell , always unpredictable , just as I loved , love , you .  24 months and it seems to get better but somehow it's worse . 

Better because it no longer hurts but does it really count when all I feel is numbness ?  A feeling that is hard to deal with when the things that make me , me , require me to recognize my emotions . Does it really count when I can no longer write even when I desperately need to ? When I can no longer have a hand in psychology and my dream is cut short ? 

By choosing to ignore your whole existence and who you are to me , I lose . I lose not just you but my whole being . Tell me , is this the better version you talked about ? Is this who you really wanted me to be ?  Cold , empty , ruthless and numb .  I have to admit , there's some peace in it but I'd rather have the pain back . The pain makes me human , it reminds me that I'm alive and there's hope for a new day . 

This numbness scares me ; the things I've done in the recent past , tried to do and might do scare me . It knows no end or limit . If I didn't see the dangers it carries , I'd be proud to have accomplished what you started . A plan to build a lady who's shaken by nothing , one who isn't held back and sees nothing but the price , but by so doing , you also created one without a conscience , one who is malignant and will stop at nothing . 

I can't blame you , all you did was want the best for me but instead brought out the worst of me . You woke a version of me I tried so hard to fight , one I ignored for so long and often tried to cover . There's no turning back now , right ?  She knows no limits . 

I have no idea who this person is or what she will bring on the table but I hope it's not destruction , it will be fatal . 

You , love , are my happy place and a sensitive , sentimental version of me could only exist in that place . 

            I hate endings !   


Apologies about the intro' I honestly didn't think I'd complete this piece . 


       _shiey.

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