MONTH OF LOVE OR IS IT PAIN

 Talk. She could have called me. This is a safe space. I will always love you and whatnot.

You do? Really? Or is this something you say just to make you feel better. To hide from the fact that in all honesty we are all in this for ourselves. 

Everyday, I try to be the bigger person. To be a light to others. To be the one person you can safely run to. This I came to realize gives a false sense of friendship. Where are you all when I'm falling apart. When I end up in the same destructive habits I vowed to let go. You ask why it's so hard to change? because unlike you , those habits give me some sense of 'peace' distraction mostly but still enough so I don't lose my mind. You say ride or die but when the ride stops so do you , you immediately get busy. It's then you seem to remember you had dirty laundry from a month ago. Preoccupied in your own stuff you say but if I fell today, you'd be the first person talking of how good a person I was. Buying roses for a dead girl ! What for? So I'd smell them in my grave? So I'd hold them close to my chest in a casket ? 😂 Hilarious. 

No? You're sorry ? Sorry that you couldn't see what was happening? But I called you ! I told you. I didn't seem serious you say, why? Because I'm always smiling? Because it seemed I had it all figured out? But clearly I don't ! 

In a month of love, all I have felt is pain, grief , wounds that had healed torn fresh. Same old flashes of wanting to slam my head against a wall over and over. Make multiple thin slits on my wrist or thigh, where you wouldn't see, until that is all I can focus on. Until I can numb out everything else around me. Until I understand that despite what everyone says I am in this alone. 

Difference is, I will get out of it and when that happens I better NOT get a call or text from any of you even then! 

Kidding 😂 or not .